-Dealing With Insecurities

Have you ever noticed that I post a lot of face pics?  I did.  Before I cancelled my facebook account, I started scrolling through all of my profile pics and I realized that apparently I am only a foot tall because you only see my shoulder and head.  Rarely, someone else will snap a pic of me that includes the remaining 4 feet of me, but it’s not that often.  Why?  Well, I think that my profile pics have more to do with the idea that you highlight your face.  Nothing super deep.  At least, I don’t think so.  I can remember a few times when people have said to me “you have such a pretty face” or “you would be really pretty if you lost weight”.  You know what I think?  I think that you’d be really cute if your shut your mouth.

But seriously, I think that I have learned how to “style” my face but I really don’t have a clue what to do with the rest of me.  So I’m content in showing the world the top quarter and ignoring the rest.  Recently, I was encouraged to give online dating one more try.  As I started to flip through the profiles of a few eligible brothers, I realized that I was looking for heavy-set men because I didn’t want to be rejected by any of the ones who said things about lifting weights and being athletic.  It kinda sucks though that I automatically put myself onto a list of women that shouldn’t be considered because of this.

But I’m working on the last four feet.  Not by going to the mall.  But by looking in the mirror and saying (and meaning) “YOU… MY DEAR… ARE DOPE!”  Maybe those words won’t work best for you, but for me they do the deed.  It reminds me that I am no carbon copy.  I’m couture.  You gotta love that!  But, even if you don’t…..I WILL.

-It’s Been A Year (Hair Journey)

I can’t believe it, but it has been a year since I did the big chop and decided to go natural.  I remember the days before I made the decision, I was so confused and concerned about how people would receive me and how I would look.  Would it turn out to be a hot mess or would men think that I am unattractive?!  In the time since, when I look back all I can see is the weight of my insecurities pressing down on me and exposing my lack of self esteem.  Cutting my hair became the test that began to unravel how I really felt about me.  What was going on inside wasn’t a pretty picture.

Those first few month after my hair was gone became the launching pad for a new and improved me.  It’s funny how I have done the most internal and emotional changes in my life, since making a huge EXTERNAL change.  I think that before I was listening to the voices of other people tell me that I needed to dress a certain way, walk this way, talk that way, smile like this, hold your body like that; and while this advice did ultimately help me become the woman who I am today; I think that biggest change needed to take place inside.  It’s a change that involved me looking in the mirror and being really okay with what was smiling back at me.  It’s amazing thing to become comfortable in your own skin.  Like living in a house and all of a sudden realizing that you can run around with just your drause (I’m from the country and that’s how we spell it) on. You finally are free.  That’s what cutting my hair has done.  It has made me free.  I have learned to have a backbone.  To stand up and be heard.  

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So with that…I’m am here.  I am not invisible.  I am smart, beautiful and sexy in my own right.  I am someone who deserves to be valued and cared for.  Who knew that all this stuff was hidden on top of my head?

-READING

Hey folk…whatever you need to do in order to make yourself better…go get the book and read it.  If you can’t afford the book right now, then get the sample on amazon and read what you can.  If you have read the sample and still can’t afford the book…then go to Barnes and Nobles or a Borders (if the one near you is still open), bring some snacks and sit there and read and take notes.  Do what you must to make yourself better.

I’m preaching to myself but I figured that I might as well turn on the sound system in case someone is in the audience listening.

-I’m Coming Up

Today I have spent most of the day sitting on the floor cleaning and sorting.  I had to sit on the floor because there was nowhere else to go.  Why is there nowhere else to go? Because there are clothes and other non-essential items EVERYWHERE in my bedroom.  I literally mean…EVERYWHERE.  I heard a long time ago that when you are dealing with emotional mess  that it tends to show up in areas of your life.  When my life and head are chaos…so is my living space.

When I really want to get into a cleaning/purging mood, a good dose of the television series Hoarders usually does the trick.  I caught an episode on Netflix and then resolved that I am just a few short steps from police officers breaking down the door, looking at my mess and the resolving that they can’t figure out if a crime has been committed because things are in a disarray but there is nothing missing.  How embarrassing.  So I started with my arch nemesis and lover: my clothes.  Hi, I’m Kriss and I have a clutter problem because of my clothing.  There I said it.  I sat down on the floor and began picking things up.  When I started to catch a rhythm, I hit the closet at full speed and began taking out anything that I haven’t worn this year.  Clearly…no matter how cute it is; if I haven’t worn it then it needs to go.  I started bagging up the stuff that a friend might want to wear and called her for a pick up.  A duffel bag and a large shopping bag later, I was done with that pile.  There is still the pile of donations that is being added to that I will handle next.

My room is a mess because right now there are so many areas in life where I am literally afraid.  So instead of facing my fears and admitting that I don’t know what I am doing and getting help, I’ve been letting it fester in my head which causes me to resort to anxious fits and chaos.  This in turn becomes the reflection of everything around me.

This past Sunday at church, my pastor said something that really hit me hard.  It was a reference to the idea that once you start cleaning up the areas of your life that need help and/or are sinful and turn to God….then you might see a miracle.  Well, I’m digging myself out of this ditch and I pray that the miracle that I need will take place.  Joyce Meyer once said “Do It Afraid!” and I feel like that is what’s happening to me.  I’m coming up. I’m breathing.  I’m in a good place.  I’m afraid.  I’m not ready.  But, I am alive and with the help of God all of these scary moments will be grains of sand on the beach of my life.

-You Are Who You Know

I had a mild “moment” today.  My best bro budd and I coined that term for the times when I am in tears, struggling with self-doubt and unsure of everything.  When I would start to feel one of these episodes coming on, I would simply turn to him and say “I’m having a moment”.  That was cue for him to turn his attention from whatever he was doing and give me a few minutes of undivided attention so that I can just get it out.  After some words of encouragement, hurtful truth and love….I’m fine.  He then tells me how crazy I am and we keeps it movin’.

So today, my moment was mild in the sense that it didn’t involve convulsing on the floor and the urge to purge the contents of my stomach.  But it was a moment none the less.  There are things going on in life right now that make we question how much I know, my ability to execute and the reality that EVERYTHING HAS TO GO RIGHT.  Its landing on my shoulders and I feel like I am SINKING.  SINKING yall.  Have you ever felt like you were just in over your dern head and you don’t know what to do?  Well I’m there.

After talking to my bro, I realized this…even though I am extremely uncomfortable and I honestly don’t know what I am doing.  I am in the right place.  I am surrounded by those who do know the things that I don’t.  This started to make me think about how fabulous and gracious God has been to me when it comes to those who are around me.  The people who I really do life with.

Last night in small group, I realized how much I love the women that I get to share with.  But the list goes on: my best bro who keeps it real with me and who is there when ANYTHING happens, my girlz who are down for whatever who allow me to have fun and enjoy life but also feed spiritual needs,  my co-workers whom I get to joke and play with but in addition are great supporters in all things life, my best girlfriends who has seen me through SO MANY DIFFERENT STAGES and chooses to love me anyway.

I’m thankful today for amazing people who love me and how even in the areas where I fall short are willing to help and hold me up.

-Lawnmowers & charcoal made me better

On the first exceptionally warm day of the year…I’m car less. WTF?! Those who know me well know that I burn a whole in the highway. I love the freedom of driving and hitting the open road. But today my dashboard cussed at me. The “check engine” light came on and then while flying down an on ramp my car made a funny noise and sputtered. That was the end of my freedom. I did make a quick trip to Kmart first though (yup, my priorities are in check), and then went to my mechanic. They dropped me off at my house and thus…car less.

So I’m sitting on my back steps in shorts and flips flops (yes you pervs…I have a shirt on). I’m reading a book about this black girl who was $20,000 in debt and started a blogging about her journey to being a frugalista and debt free. It’s a great read (it’s called The Frugalista Files: How One Woman Got Out of Debt Without Giving Up The Fabulous Life).

I stopped for a moment and smelled the charcoal grill that one of my neighbors is preparing his dinner on. I looked at the grass. Then I sent an text to my Dad. Something that I don’t do that often. Not that I don’t love my Pops…we just don’t communicate well. I sent him a text thanking him for all the years of fresh cut grass and charcoal grilled dinners that I love SO MUCH. I notice how great it makes me feel when a guy friend cooks on the grill for me. Especially a charcoal grill?!?! He could get my number! Lol!

I remember when we lived in Bumpass and had the equivalent of 7 front yards when compared to large yards here. He would take a PUSH MOWER and cut all that grass in every type of heat. Good and hellish. But that’s my Dad.

There are things about my relationship with him that still suck. But overall…I love my Pops. The good parts. I still need massive amounts of help with the really bad parts. But I am a better woman because of a lawn mower and charcoal briquettes.

God bless the man that has to fill that part of his shoes.

-Eclectic Funk

I will give you folks an update on my whole no restaurant/cook-at-home situation soon.  Let’s just say that I’m doing okay, but I need a lot of work in this department.  I say that as I am looking at a half eaten porkchop, vegetables and the space that once held macaroni and cheese, on my sectional.  Every part of me wants to be over it, but I know that it is for the best in the long run financially.  On the the next….

So here is the deal.  I think that I blogged not too long ago about how I feel like I have really been coming into more of myself.  While I am elated at these new found revelations of my awesomeness (you can’t spell awesome without ME!), I am also a lil pissed at myself because it shouldn’t take anyone almost 32 years of their life to get a grasp on the person that they really are.  Maybe its not so much about me grasping who I am but more about embracing me.  Either way, I’m still pissed that it has taken me this long.  Then again, I wonder if there are a ton of women out there who feel just like I feel, but who just never share it.  I think that there is some sick mind trick going on out there that says after the age of like 25, you should know who you are.  Well freak….25 is long gone and I’m still looking in the mirror and trying to figure it all out.  Or again…looking in the mirror trying to accept it all. (hmmm)

A large portion of this journey is about my personal style and clothing.  Its oozing out of my poors.  This past weekend I wore a striped sweater situation with a hot pink tank, jeans, pointy kitten heel pumps and glasses.  I felt like Kriss in that outfit.  I also felt snazzy and sexy too (why did I hesitate to type the word sexy?!).  I felt good.  This eclectic funk is coming out of me and I am liking it more and more everyday.  I’m looking at my wardrobe differently.  I picked up a few really boss items at the thrift store over the weekend (all of which were an additonal 50% off!) and I’m getting excited just thinking about how they can be mixed into this funk bowl.

I don’t know how long this will last.  I’m actually scared of getting older and people saying that I am that old lady that needs to give up this whole vibe.  Just the other night I was out with a friend and we saw this lady with an all white leather mini skit and jacket combination.  She added to that white knee boots and white fishnet stockings.  ”Hmmmm” was all that I could think to myself.  Then I asked my friend a very real but very rude question, “whose mama or auntie is that with all that dern white leather on?”  Yeah, I’m wrong.  I don’t want to end up 5 years from now being the girl that some other younger chicks are giving the scrunched eyebrow to!  I guess the whole point is to just do me and enjoy it all while it lasts.

Just do me a big favor…if you catch me in an all white leather get up…kindly send my black behind home!

?: Did it take you forever to really understand who you are?  Are you still trying to find and embrace you?